With all those different guides to technology that are so boring and informative, here is our very own Friday afternoon guide…you should live and die by this on Friday afternoons only.

1. Technology Dictionary you cannot live without

*    LOG ON:      Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
*    LOG OFF:     Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
*    MONITOR:     Keeping an eye on the barbie.
*    DOWNLOAD:   Getting the firewood off the ute.
*    HARD DRIVE:   Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
*    KEYBOARD:    Where you hang the ute keys.
*    WINDOW:      What you shut when the weather’s cold.
*    SCREEN:      What you shut in the mozzie season.
*    BYTE:         What mozzies do.
*    MEGABYTE:    What Townsville mozzies do.
*    CHIP:          A bar snack.
*    MICROCHIP:   What’s left in the bag after you’ve eaten the chips.
*    MODEM:       What you did to the lawns.
*    LAPTOP:       Where the cat sleeps.
*    SOFTWARE:    Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
*    HARDWARE:   Stainless steel knives & forks – from K-Mart.
*    MOUSE:       The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
*    MAINFRAME:   What holds the shed up.
*    WEB:          What spiders make.
*    WEBSITE:      Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
*    SEARCH ENGINE:     What you do when the ute won’t go.
*    CURSOR:      What you say when the ute won’t go.
*    YAHOO:       What you say when the ute does go.
*    UPGRADE:     A steep hill.
*    SERVER:       The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
*    MAIL SERVER:  The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
*    USER:         The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
*    NETWORK:     What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
*    INTERNET:     Where you want the fish to go.
*    NETSCAPE:     What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.
*    ONLINE:        Where you hang the washing.
*    OFFLINE:       Where the washing end’s up when the pegs aren’t strong enough

1. If your Computer Crashes?

Repeat this mantra over and over again out loud… It may not fix the computer but at least it will make you smile.
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn’t hash, then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, ‘cuz sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy’s getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk, then you’ll have to flash the memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM, and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom! (Why Computers Sometimes Crash! by Dr. Seuss.)

1. The reason everyone should be at least trying to break into the technology industry…